To Perfect the Art of Time Suckage

What did we ever do without myspace, facebook, match, imdb and bloggidy blog blog blogging to help us perfect the art of time suckage? I have to confess that I have joined the ranks, but it was purely for research purposes. Oh it was only a week ago that I found those silly get-to-know-everything- about-me-sites so petty, so trite. This week I am connected to 10 new friends, they all know that I am bringing sexy back, I just gave a pokie to a Billy Joe in Montana and I occasionally dream of swimming in smelt roe. Therefore, I pose the question that surpasses generational gaps and portends to unite slackers and bongers far and and wide, "Can time sucking actually have a greater purpose?"

I urge you to sacrifice as much time as possible to investigate all possibilities. I must issue a warning: Please pace yourself, there are so many possibilities and so much time to waste.

First, create a blog.

Next, fill it with endless blathering about yourself, your family, your opinions, pictures of your favorite shoes, vacation photos (just to make everyone jealous and to make it seem like you had a great time), links to your favorite recipes and your favorite video on youtube. I know there are other things that are included in this list, so it's best to be creative. As long as you post everything about yourself that you think people care to read, watch or look at, but who really are just stalking you, then you have the proper time sucking formula.

Third. Create on online friend network profile.
Facebook and myspace seem to be ideal for optimizing time suckage. You must be prepared to include your profile (see description above) and make sure to add your favorite music, books, movies and religion.

Perfect. You are on your way to the time sucking self-discovery. Be sure, at this point, to track just how much time is sucked up per event. I am not sure why, but it may be important later.

We'll call the next phase "research."

There are so many idle bits of trivial information that are just floating about in cyberspace, waiting for your personal connection. The top Billboard albums from your birth year, for example, can be found in seconds and may lead to other important researching quests such as: Richard Gere v. Gerbil, fact or fiction; what size shoe does Martha Stewart wear; or, how many times has Liz Taylor said her nuptials.

It is important that any of these bits of information be researched via the internet, blackberry or iphone whenever the moment arises. Please note, that researching typically leads to more researching and may soon suck and exorbitant amount of time. Proceed in optimum time sucking mode.

Gossip
Why do we care what the Brangelina twins look like or why do we yearn to know who has made the latest Fugly Dressed list? The answer is simple. In perfecting our time sucking while reading about Hollywood starlets, we avoid having to file our TPS reports for one more day. Genius, pure genius.

Online Dating.

I have come across many the corporate lap dog who profess to wasting any and all available cubicle time (without being suspicious) to the utmost of respectable time sucking ventures - online dating. They get paid while doing it, feel great about it and arise to start it all over again the following morning. They just got married.

Is there a greater purpose to the art of time suckage? As of late, my research results are inconclusive. Perhaps I should make friends with Tila Tequila, chase down the latest pics of Bennifer Garner a la baby bump #2 and update my profile before turning in for the night.

So much sucking, so little time.